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Your Smart Phone Is Smarter Than You…

As followers of my comedy routine know, I have a recurring one-liner, “Smart phone is just a nice way of saying dumb computer.”

In fact, I would posit that all smart phones are are a social experiment to see how much we can get people to pay for crap.  The mobile phone companies would have you believe that smart phones are going to replace phones, computers, phone books, GPS systems, calendars, calculators, clocks, MP3 players, game consoles, among  countless other products.  But, might I remind you of the last product that promised to replace so much in the interest of saving space and money…

The Swiss army knife.  But, when was the last time you’ve been in a kitchen whose only utensil was small and red with fold-out attachments?  They say a jack of all trades is a master of none.  No.  A jack of two trades is a master of none *cough* Spork! *cough*  A jack of all trades just sucks across the board.

Smart phone owners are constantly trying to get me to buy one of these things.  Excuse me?  Buying phones is obsolete.  The mobile phone companies just give them to you now.  That’s scam one.  You have to pay for something that isn’t even as good of a phone as the thing I got for free.  They tell me how great their phone is and love to brag about it.  That’s because they’re trying to convince themselves.  I can always tell their true feelings when they’re yelling at their “phone.”

“WHY WON’T YOU DO WHAT YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO, YOU PIECE OF SHIT!”

“If it makes you that upset, why did you buy it, again?”

“BECAUSE I LOVE IT, DAMN IT!”

Clearly.  Nothing says love like yelling psychotically.  I know why you do that.  You just don’t want to admit you’ve been had.  This is why you keep changing companies, expecting you’ll get a good one, but this is not healthy.  You can’t learn from mistakes you’ve never admitted to making.

On top of the fact that these “phones” can’t do anything right (and the things they’re supposed to do are so plentiful that there’s a better than even chance they could at least do one thing right, but no), they’re also really good at farming your personal data.

Did you turn your GPS on?  Well, AT&T knows where you are right now.  Did you install the Facebook app?  Well, the Big F has your phone number, and likely has all your contacts’ phone numbers too.  In fact, every time you install an app, that app combs your phone and farms the information it wants about you off it.  So, I take that back.  There is one thing they can do right.  They can violate your privacy with the best of them.

So, if you ever wonder why they call it a “smart phone,” that’s because, next to you, it looks smart by comparison.

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