Previously on Ceej: A Mental Breakdown…
Part XVII: One Hell Of An Issue To Work Out…
It didn’t make any sense. I couldn’t think of anyone who had made more sacrifices to the Lord than I had, yet things were still getting worse, not better. What was I doing wrong? I had even thrown away every short story, novel, and screenplay I had even begun to write because I wanted to be sure I only wrote things that pleased the Lord. I set books on fire that I was afraid I’d be tempted to read. I cracked my Eminem CD in half. What more did he want from me?
Others who weren’t making quite as many sacrifices seemed to be making it just fine, and that made me jealous. Oh, God. Jealousy. That’s a sin.
Finishing the Bible became a priority. I knew the answers I needed were somewhere in there. I didn’t trust a pastor to tell me where. I was just reading the whole thing so as not to miss anything.
For the first time reading the Bible, I didn’t miss anything. I didn’t believe what was happening. The damn thing kept contradicting itself. And, pastors used to rationalise that away, but I couldn’t. I tried. I didn’t want to find out I was wrong about this. That meant I’d have to stop being Christian. That meant I’d have to go to hell. I didn’t want to go to hell. But, compulsively, I kept reading. There had to be some explanation that made the Bible true. I couldn’t be brainwashed.
Wait a minute? Did God really just order a man to kill his son? Seriously? Did he just kill people for disagreeing with him? Is he doing all the things he says are wrong? Holy shit, did he even admit he’s done evil? Jesus Christ, did he order that woman’s breasts cut off? No. He couldn’t have been the one who came up with the idea to torture Job. No. Job didn’t curse God. I was told he didn’t. To be fair, I understand why he did, but all this was new to me. I had to keep going.
I finally got to the New Testament. This would be refreshing, right? The Old Testament, I could write off, as long as Jesus was a good guy. But, did he really kill that fig tree for defying his order to grow fruit? Did he really kill a herd of goats? Did he really steal a donkey? He wasn’t a good guy at all. And that Paul… He was even worse. This couldn’t be happening.
Okay, so maybe the Bible isn’t true, I told myself, but that doesn’t mean God isn’t real. Men wrote it down and translated it. It could just be some old book. God is still real. I can see that clearly, right? I sure can. How else did it all get here?
But, if he was really there, why wasn’t he listening to me? Why wasn’t he helping me? Why was he just letting all my sacrifices to him be a waste of my life?
Well, Goddamn it all to hell. If he didn’t have time for me, I didn’t have time for him. But where did that leave me? God was the one I thought would always be there, but what do you do when you find out, after giving it all up for him, that he was the first one to turn his back on you? Where did that leave me?
I found a great resource on the internet that made me aware of a secondary use for antifreeze. I should go get some of that. It didn’t matter anymore if I went to hell. I was already there.