Previously on Ceej: A Mental Breakdown…
Part XVI: Fighting My Demons…
Seeing as how the hospital never really helped – on the contrary, for the first time, it successfully brainwashed me – I made the solemn vow that I would never return. That I would sooner die. But, now what? All of this jerking around for more than four years, and for what? Was I any better off? No. I was a lot worse off. Sure, I had my own place, and those Klonapins were mighty valuable when the druggies came by, but everything I had before was gone. I was never going back.
Would I have? Who knows? Would it have been the right thing to do? Hard to tell. But, since I couldn’t go back, I could only make the best of what I had now, and move forward. I could miss the past all I wanted, but that’s all I could do.
I felt really guilty with the Lord for trying to kill myself, for being so bitter lately, and for saying things I shouldn’t have. For kicking John out on the street, even if he did eat all my food while I was in the hospital. Even if he was supposed to leave when I got home from church. Hell, I didn’t technically come home for three weeks.
So, to make things right with the Lord, I talked to my pastor, and he recommended a few books. I decided to begin with the one he leant me. Satanism: The Seduction Of America’s Youth by Bob Larson. That one spoke to me so much, I bought a copy for myself, and while I was buying Larson books In The Name Of Satan looked pretty good.
This guy’s books were explaining so many of my problems. I wasn’t a good enough Christian. I had to rid myself of the demons. I wasn’t the only one with demons, but I was going to take responsibility for my own.
My friends didn’t like who I had become. I didn’t tolerate coarse language or speaking of evil acts, and they resented me. I knew they were just angry that I pointed the acts out. I knew I wasn’t really gay either. It was just the demons making me think that. I had to have them exorcised.
I prayed several times a day, and I went to church every week, sometimes twice a week. I even got back into reading the Bible. This time, I was going to finish it.
One day, I decided to beseech my church for help in ridding myself of the demons I knew were causing me to feel this way, resentment, bitterness, despair. They were causing me to have sinful erections that I knew were wrong, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get a wholesome heterosexual erection on my own. I must not have been praying hard enough, and I needed someone closer to God.
Big help Pastor Dave was. He told me Christians couldn’t get demons. Really? Well, what about all the demons that Brother Larson cast out of Christians? Well, between Grace Lutheran betraying my trust and St. Paul’s Lutheran refusing to help me rid my demons, I was done with the Lutheran church. I needed to be closer to God than they’d let me get.
I searched long and hard for a denomination that fit with what I knew about God, but there didn’t seem to be one. Where did I fit? I just alienated my entire church family, or did they alienate me? It wasn’t so clear. As I soaked in the bathtub, a storm was coming through. Lightning flashed and thunder crashed. Any other time, I wonder if it would have felt as much like a metaphor for my life. I was supposed to be rebuilding and repairing what was left of my life, but somehow it was all still crashing down around me.
What more did God want from me? I must hurry up and finish the Bible to find out. That and the praying must help. It must. Right?