This month, I’ve witnessed the madness of people flocking to the same store at the same time, clogging traffic and going into debt out of some irrational feeling of chronological obligation. And I’m the one who’s sick?
I’ve seen people wear ridiculous red faux fur stocking caps, stand outside of stores, and annoyingly ring bells with the promise to only stop ringing after enough donations are collected for their homophobic church. Unless I’m mistaken, this is extortion. It’s also fraud because it’s done in the name of charity at the expense of legitimate charity. I’ve seen people reward this behaviour. And I’m the one who’s sick?
My own brother asked me what I’d think of a particular gift and, when I answered, he accused me of being ungrateful for this hypothetical gift. And I’m the one who’s sick?
I’ve witnessed people singing songs that, when I sang this past July, these same people were annoyed. When I told them how annoyed I was that they were doing it, they told me to get into the “holiday spirit,” which I incidentally found at the liquor store. And I’m the one who’s sick?
I’ve witnessed people get what appears to be legitimately offended because someone greeted them, but not with the exclusive reference to some arbitrary day. And I’m the one who’s sick?
When I give someone a gift, they typically say, “What’s this for?” but if I say the same thing on Sunday, they’re going to accuse me of being ungrateful. And I’m the one who’s sick?
I’ve seen people invite family over that they can’t stand, and won’t get along with, solely for the sake of tradition. All the while, they profess to enjoy doing it, but the screaming at each other suggests otherwise. And I’m the one who’s sick?
I’ve seen them drink a beverage that tastes so bad that it has to be spiked with rum to even be worth drinking, like I was in some film called Rocky VII: Victory On The Rocks. They don’t deny how bad it tastes. They drink it in spite of that. And I’m the one who’s sick?
I’ve seen people get up at 3AM, or even worse, stay up all night, just to save a couple quid on a useless piece of plastic. And I’m the one who’s sick?
I’ve seen people waste an outrageous amount of electricity on gaudy lawn and home ornaments that, any other time of year, would have them kicked out of the homeowners’ association. And I’m the one who’s sick?
I’ve witnessed people hang semi-parasitic plants over doorways and mouth-rape anyone who just happened to be unlucky enough to cross under. I guess it’s the only way these people could get a kiss. I don’t even want to think about what they do to get laid. And I’m the one who’s sick?
I witnessed my own family chop down a pine tree, bind its branches, tie it to the roof of their car, drag it across down, shove it in their living room, and dress it in a ridiculous costume. And I’m the one who’s sick?
Let’s not forget the tales that this time of year has to offer. A virgin gives birth because getting banged by a deity apparently doesn’t bust your hymen. Somehow, the actual giving of birth doesn’t bust it either. A fat guy who lives on a steady diet of milk and cookies has flying reindeer and hires only little people. I guess that’s what affirmative action gets you. And, somehow, it’s perfectly okay for him to break into your house via the chimney flu, and hang his socks on your fireplace? If you think I’m the one who’s sick, perhaps you’d have to overlook what psychotic delusions and/or psychedelic drugs led those who came up with this twisted holiday to write such nightmarish fantasy.
These same people profess to like all of this. I bring up how frustrated and angry they are, and they flip. Baby Jesus, don’t shoot the messenger. It’s like those people who keep telling me I should get a smart phone, telling me how much they like theirs. But, when they’re actually using it, they’re yelling at it, so I say, “So, why do you like this again?”
They don’t like it. They just say they do. And, they especially hate it when you point out how little they like it. So, why do they keep doing it? Because I’m not the one who’s sick. They are.