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English Translations Of Common Call Centerian Phrases…

I think that it’s a unanimous consensus that call centres are a bad thing that everybody hates.  Even call centre reps hate calling call centres, which makes them liars when they claim some people like them.  Most automated systems have a short cut to skip all that crap and go right to a person who knows what they’re doing, but it’s hard for any one person to know what that short cut is because, if someone finds out  what it is and posts it online, it’s generally changed quickly.  So, because you probably don’t have that as an option, I’ve decided to make your call centre experience a little easier by translating some of their language into English.

The Automated System Dialect:

“Please listen carefully as our menu options have changed”  Press zero now because I’m about to spout ten minutes worth of crap that has nothing to do with your call.  Besides, you’ve heard it all the last twenty times you had to call us.

“I’m sorry. ‘Zero’ is not a valid option.”  I get my erections by wasting your time.  Just start hitting numbers randomly until someone picks up the phone.  Then yell at them about how it’s a bug that zero doesn’t work. If they say it’s not supposed to work, argue with them.

“We are experiencing unexpectedly high call volumes.” In this phrase, volume refers to the volume of the customers’ voices.  They expected the customers to be dumb enough to accept their bullshit, but they’re all yelling louder than expected.

“All of our representatives are currently assisting other customers.”  We don’t care about you, so we have one person in the call centre and he’s on break right now.  He’ll answer your call when he’s good and ready and he’ll probably hang up on you.

“Your call is very important to us.”  Your call is the last thing on our minds.

“Please continue to hold.”  Please hang up.  It will save us the trouble of having to lie to you.

“And the first available representative will be with you shortly.”  And somebody will be short with you… In an hour or so, when they’re good and ready to answer the phone.

“Many customers find our website to be more helpful and faster.” We don’t want to talk to you.  Hang up.

“Would you like to take a survey following our call?” We get so many complaints that we set up an automatic junk box for them. We hope you will give your complaints to our survey so they can be more easily ignored and waste more of your time.

“Thank you for calling.”  Fuck you for calling.

The Representative Dialect:

“Thank you for calling.”  Same as automated dialect.

“To whom do I have the pleasure of speaking with?” The person who wrote my script is not only a bad writer but can’t even write a grammatically correct sentence.  Also, I consider it a pleasure to do this to you.

“We don’t have a script.”  We’re trained to lie to you. We really have a script.

“I understand your concern.” Who gives a fuck about your concern?

“Policy.” Scapegoat.

“I would be happy to.” I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure I don’t.

“I’m trying to help you.” (Or, “I want to help you.”) I’m trying to piss you off so I can blame your yelling on you.

“Unfortunately.” Unfortunately for you.  Sexually arousing for us.

“The charges are legitimate” We don’t even have a fake excuse for the charges.

“I can have a supervisor call you back.” I’m trying to get you to hang up the phone.

“There isn’t a supervisor on the floor right now.” The supervisor might have enough of a conscience to do the right thing and has trained us to say he (or she) isn’t here.

“I’ll pass that along to my supervisor.” I’m not even listening to you.

“Do you mind holding?” I don’t give a fuck what you think. I’m going to put you on hold whether you like it or not.  If you say no, I’ll waste more of your time arguing with you.  Shut up because resistance is futile.

“Can I get your first and last name, please?”  (Or, “How may I assist you today?”)   I’m only pretending to care now so it hurts more when I prove I don’t later.

Something that you may notice about Call Centerian is it’s always spoken in a chipper voice.  This is to make it all the more insulting.  Condescension is a powerful tool that Call Centerians use frequently.  They don’t think you buy their crap.  They know you see right through them.  They tend to laugh when you tell them everyone does.

They like to blame the technology for not being able to dig up calls, not having your case transferred from the last person, hanging up on you, sending you back into the automated system, etc., but this is rarely the technology’s fault. They deliberately designed the technology in such a way where they could blame their deliberate insulting practices on it.

Call Centerians are not real people and don’t have feelings like the rest of us.  It is okay to insult them, hurt them, or even kill them.  Not that I’m advocating that.  Just saying that, if you ever have, you don’t have to feel guilty.  Their ultimate goal is to make you destroy yourself with your own anger, so don’t  let them do that.  I used to let them. I have literally had concussions by yelling so hard at call centre reps, and the last thing that I heard before losing consciousness, in both cases, sounded like joy.

So, how do you deal with them?  Learn the language and use it against them.  They may not have feelings of guilt or remorse, but they still hate it when when you speak Call Centerian to them.  Be all fake nice and condescending.  Lie as much as possible (using the phrase, “See, what ha-happen was” at least once in every conversation).  And always end every threat (which you have hopefully carefully worded in a fake nice and condescending manner) in, “Have a blessed day!”  They hate that.  Bonus points if you scripted your side of the conversation in advance and don’t deviate from your script.

When they realise that you aren’t getting upset, but only doing what they do, and doing it better than they do it, their first reaction is silence.  They can’t believe you’re doing it.  But, when they realise they can’t get to you to flip out, and that you’re just going to play this game too, they’re more likely to ultimately submit.  And, if all else fails, don’t get angry.  Get even.  You can easily find the CEO  of any company and harrass him about it.  That usually works.

And remember, this is their slogan:

Customer Care

There are 4 Comments to "English Translations Of Common Call Centerian Phrases…"

  • An Anonymous CSRNo Gravatar says:

    Your work is sin. Your sins are many. Your sins are known. We do not forgive. We do not forget.

    Expect us.

    • The CeejNo Gravatar says:

      You are not Anonymous. Anonymous does not attack struggling satirists. They attack huge, power-hungry organisations. I expect nothing more than words.

  • CSR Representing AnonymousNo Gravatar says:

    First of all, why don’t you get off your lazy ass and try going to actually work at a call center? Real work, yeah, it’s a novel concept. Probably too hard for you when you can just call yourself “an artist”.
    Second, blanket judgments? One of the first signs of ignorance – hating what they don’t understand. I’ve worked in the call center environment before. Yes, there are some assholes that work at call centers. However, the number of “consumers” that call in that are hateful assholes way outnumbers it. I bet you’re thinking, “Good”. Call center workers, for the most part, are hard working people who are doing whatever they can to get up to go support their families. It’s hard enough to find jobs in this economy, and one thing is true – noone LIKES working for call centers. But, unlike a lot of the population that just sits around and leeches off of the government that is stupid enough to reward slackers and sloths, call center employees actually get up every day to try to go to work and make a living to support their family.
    As far as a lot of the lingo that you listed? Some of it’s spot on, some of it’s bullshit. Why don’t you try working a real job and go gather some empirical data instead of jumping to conclusions about something you clearly do not understand?

    Cheerio!

    • The CeejNo Gravatar says:

      Oh, where to begin… Where to begin… This is a LOT of shit to clean up.

      First of all, “why don’t you get off your lazy ass and try going to actually work at a call center? Real work…”
      Real work? HAH! A call centre is not real work. A call centre is professional unemployment. Real work presents a net social benefit. Art does this. Call centres are real work in the same way the mafia is real work.

      “However, the number of “consumers” that call in that are hateful assholes way outnumbers it. ”
      Uh… No. The consumers behave this way because you DROVE them to behave this way. I guarantee you that they would not be behaving this way if they didn’t have to deal with your stupid call centre. By the way, I’ve had many friends who have worked in call centres, most of whom quit because of how evil the centres were, but a few of which stuck around and violated the policy just so customers might actually get a little help now and then.

      “Call center workers, for the most part, are hard working people who are doing whatever they can to get up to go support their families. It’s hard enough to find jobs in this economy, and one thing is true – noone LIKES working for call centers.”
      I could say the same thing about hit men or child pornographers. Making money to “feed your family” is no excuse for doing evil. I don’t know a single person who would defend my other two examples on this point and, if you also won’t, your argument is inconsistent. Also, working for call centres is what creates the call centre market. If no one worked for them, the market wouldn’t exist.

      “But, unlike a lot of the population that just sits around and leeches off of the government that is stupid enough to reward slackers and sloths, call center employees actually get up every day to try to go to work and make a living to support their family.”
      The lot of the population that sits around and leeches off the government are better on society than call centre reps because at least they aren’t actively hurting people.

      “Why don’t you try working a real job”
      Define real. I consider my job now to be real unlike the Corporate jobs I’ve held in the past. At least, now, I’m making a positive difference which is something I wasn’t doing before.

      “jumping to conclusions about something you clearly do not understand?”
      I don’t understand? Well, thank you for informing me with your well-thought out, clear headed, logically flawless—wait a minute.

      I have no way of knowing who you are because you’re using a proxy but, if I had to guess, I’d say you were that same Lycos guy from before. I have my suspicions, of course. Why don’t you try stop making excuses for your criminal activity and get a real job?

      One thing I do know is that you’re not one of my fans. I know this because my fans are smart enough to understand my work.

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