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Book Review: The Bible

The Bible is the number one selling book of all time.  Which is interesting considering how few people have actually read it.  What are people doing with this thing?  Using it as a doorstop?  That’s how I use mine.

The Bible starts off pretty interesting.  I guess it was original 3000 years ago, even if it’s a bit dated today.  An all-powerful being creates everything with his authoritative voice.  In the second chapter, however, it starts to run into continuity issues.  It recaps that creation again, but things happen differently this time.  Unless it’s a time travel thing.  Then, it’s pretty good.   But it doesn’t explain the continuity issues later in the book.  The characters are painfully one-dimensional, but their adventures are not without their entertainment value.  I rather related to the talking serpent, and it’s just too bad he got written out that close to the beginning of the book.  He would have been a wonderful protagonist to travel with the oblivious Adam and his equally oblivious family.

They killed off one of the main characters a little soon.  I don’t want to spoil it, so I won’t tell you which, but it takes you by surprise.  You just don’t see that coming.  The deity character also handles it in a rather unexpected manner, but any good novel will twist in ways that would make Chubby Checker jealous.

After the story arc with Adam, things went to hell for a while.  An unnecessary and very boring lineage account, followed by some more boring story arcs.  It wasn’t until Noah’s arc that things picked up again.  This arc started out with an ark.  The arc about the ark had a very large body count, and that’s always good in a story. But, then they tried to carry it after that, and it seemed like the third season of Sliders.  Trying to be as entertaining as it once was, but mostly failing.  And Noah’s son having sex with Noah?  That was inappropriate and without redeeming merit.

Now, the rest of Part I was boring except for the occasional half-decent story arc.  In Part II, things picked up.  The introduction of a new character really helped.

This new character was Jesus Christ.  When he wasn’t robbing some stable jockey, pushing pigs off a cliff, or rubbing dirty spit in a handicapped man’s eyes, he was a loveable character.  I always love a performance artist who isn’t afraid to always hang around his twelve boyfriends.  Nice guy.  They made the mistake of killing him off.  At that point, the story was over.  I think to attempt to continue the story without Mr. Christ was a bad idea.

Obviously, the author did too.  Even though we saw Jesus die, they still wrote him back into the story.  And this just didn’t work.  Because it wasn’t working, they wrote him back out again.  Just like Fox Mulder from The X-Files.

And like with Fox Mulder, Jesus had a less loveable replacement as well.  Paul of Tarsus.  Man, that guy was a dick.  I hated Paul.  He started out as the worst kind of atheist and then, by some force of magic, became the worst kind of Christian.  Of course, this villainy did not go punished…

Well, it did, but a larger being reversed the punishment.  At this point, I realised this was a horrible book, though it was  not without its entertaining story arcs.

Two out of five stars.

**

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