Loaded Questions: How Old Are You?

So, I’ve taken a week to get back where I was before the disaster, which I think is enough.  It’s not like I didn’t do any work during that time.  I just didn’t post any of it online.  I didn’t do much, however.  Instead, I was doing various things to help myself and others recover.  My entire city is okay now, but there are still surrounding areas hit worse than we were, but you’ve been waiting nearly two weeks to see some work, so let’s start with the first part in a new series.

Loaded Questions is going to be a series, updated at my leisure, where I look into questions that, while it may not be obvious to most people, couldn’t be more loaded if they were topped with bacon, cheese, and sour cream.  What I’m saying is, they couldn’t be more loaded if you force fed them a litre of tequila.  You know?  They couldn’t  be more loaded if someone found them in a student locker in a Los Angeles high school.

So, let’s start this series (Start in the third paragraph? Is this the Pulp Fiction of editorials?) with a story.  Who’s the protagonist in this story?  Why, you are.  Isn’t that fun?  It’s just words on a page, yet you’re still participating!  Let’s say you went out with a friend and you met someone new while you were out.  They find you sexy and you let your friend go home while you talk.  Just as things are getting good, you hear those four dreaded words, “How old are you?”

You’re not at the doctor.  You’re talking to this person face to face.  They’ve already made it clear they found you sexy.  What do you do?  Of course you know what you should do.  The only acceptable answer here is to lie.  Just remember, when faced with a loaded question, the truth is not an option. If they find out, when they accuse you of lying to a friend, you can always say that it takes two to lie.  One to ask a loaded question and another to answer it.  In fact, if they hadn’t asked a loaded question, you wouldn’t have been put in the position where lying was necessary.

It’s a catch 22 really.  If you lie, you’ll have that lying to a friend situation to solve later.  If you tell the truth, you won’t have that issue later, because the whole thing will be over today.  “How old are you?” is a question the asker presents so they can claim you’re too old or too young for them (which is bullshit because they’re only looking for excuses) so the correct answer is whatever their age is.  This way, you get your foot in the door and you can sort out the rest later.

It’s the same professionally.  If you want to be an actor or a writer or whatever it is you want to be, you have to pretend to be younger than you are.  Unless you’re still a child, you’re too old to succeed in the business.  Lie about your age now, establish yourself before they find out, and you’re good to go.

And don’t let people get to you.  You know the type.  The ones who are wont to say, “If he lied about his age, what else has he lied about?” Don’t blame him.  He’s only shifting the odds of your rigged game.  Finding out someone lied about their age is not an indication of a problem with that person.  Every successful person has lied about their age  at some point or another to get whatever they have success at.  Nobody accuses the guy who steals part of his stuff back from the thief who stole it from him in the first place of being a thief.  To call the guy who lied about his age a liar is exactly the same thing.  Exactly.  Right, Jarad?  Remember when I showed up and said, “I’ll have some of my stuff back now… Oh, and I’m 15”?  Huh?  Do you?  Or were you still a bit passed out from the pipe Steve knocked across your head?

You live in an ageist society who will never give you a chance if you’re not the right age.  So, then be the right age.  It’s not like they’ll ask for evidence when you give it.

And if you think you can get around answering the question, think again.  You might be able to play off with a joke or change the subject once or twice with some people, but most people will come right back around with the question again.  And, if you joke or try to change the subject a second time, “Too old” pops into their mind.  That’s right, grandpa.  Should have just said you were 22 from the beginning.  Now you’re 57 just because you had to say, “Old enough for it to be legal to fuck me but young enough for you to want to.”  And you were really 29 all this time?  Jesus, you fucked yourself.

Whoever decided that an arbitrary number of years lived on the planet means anything in the first place?  At best, it’s a set of general guidelines.  If you’ve never met a person, you might get an idea of what he looks like, knowing his age.  If you’ve already seen him, that’s no longer an issue.  If you’ve only seen a picture, it might help you guess his maturity level, but biological age is even less useful at determining that.  Hell, some days I look and feel 15.  And anyone who sees me will think that’s what I am.

I’m younger than I am.  No really.  If that doesn’t make sense to you, you’re probably the kind of person who would ask me how old I am.  There is no honest answer to that question anyway.  Sure, I could give you the arbitrary number of years I’ve been on the planet.  But, that information is useless.  I doubt that’s what you’re really asking for anyway.  So, according to the most useful and honest scale, how old am I?  Right now, about 26, but that’s because I’m tired and all.  During a shoot or a recording session, I swear I’m 18.  With friends, I can go younger.  Unless we’re bowling.  If we’re bowling, I’m 46.  Suddenly, I have arthritis and I have to wear knee and wrist braces.  Let’s not do that.  I love me some balls and pins, but I don’t want to feel old.  No! Not golf!  I don’t want to be 65!! Oh, miniature golf?  Sure.  I’d like to be 14 again.

Not everybody has as flexible an age as I do.  Some people are grounded firmly in their biological ages.  That may be their genes, but I would guess it’s their state of mind.  Anybody who’s seen me during any of the above hyperbolic scenarios would attest that I really do look and act very close to those ages at those times.

I guess, then, the answer is really just as loaded as the question.  Don’t give your biological age.  Don’t skirt the question.  Roll with it.  Life is fun when you let it be fun.




And sex is so much better when your younger partner thinks that you’re the younger one…

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